Big City Rainy Day Blues

Today promises to be cloudy and rainy here in Portland so I'm trying to work up the ambition to go out and do something. So far I haven't really been able to settle into to the city since I got here. I'm not really sure what it is, it just doesn't feel right. I'm sure part of it is because of my knee; it's frustrating to me semi-immobile and I'm not used to not being able to do just what I want, when I want, as fast as I want. Although I am able to walk around OK it's hard on both my legs and they're getting pretty sore.

But it's more then that. I'm just not comfortable, I feel out of place. I walk around interesting neighborhoods and walk into interesting shops but I find that I'm looking without seeing, like I'm just going through the motions. I think maybe I just need to sit down at some outdoor café and watch what's going on around me, but I don't, I can't. It just plain feels weird. I tried seeing some of the city for a while yesterday but it felt forced, like I felt it was something I had to do. I wasn't enjoying it so I gave up for the day. The most fun I had was stopping at a bakery and fruit/vegetable tent on my way back to the car to get some food so I could cook something later. It's the first time I'd been shopping for anything other then boring supplies since I left Iowa and it actually was pretty fun. I'll cook most it up today.

When I'm alone in the woods I have no problems at all. At times it gets lonely but it's nice, it's relaxing. I'm “one with nature”, or some crap like that. In the city it's different though. I'm surrounded by people and it makes me feel even more alone. Exploring the city by yourself just isn't fun (at least for me). I want a friend with me. Someone I can just let go with and be myself around. Someone to walk around with and someone to point out interesting things to. Someone to sit down with at a table on the sidewalk to talk with for a couple hours just watching the city pass by.

I'm sure the more time I spend here the more comfortable I'll get though. I usually don't start enjoying a place until I've settled in a little more. When I don't feel like I have to rush around and cram in as much as I can; when I can just go about my day in a somewhat normal way. That's when I start feeling more comfortable and I finally start to see what's around me.